Did Vladimir Putin make his first trip to Ukraine this weekend?
Or was it a dude named Mikhail who was paid with a grab bag of vodka and caviar to chopper into Mariupol while pretending to be the Russian dictator? I was planning to write a column about a new Golden Pass Express Train in Switzerland, named after Shania Twain — the “Shania Train.” A little on the nose, yes, but still adorable.
Now I want the Keg to refer to all steaks as Drakes.
Anyway, I got derailed Tuesday by headlines such as these: “Top Zelenskyy Adviser Suggests Putin Sent Body Double to Ukraine.” “Pictures of Vladimir Putin’s Chin Spark Conspiracy Theories.” “Former KGB Spy Claims Vladimir Putin Is Using Body Doubles.”
So let’s discuss this week’s newest conspiracy. You’ll need your geometry set from Grade 7 so we can measure Putin’s chin curvature, nose angle and dangling earlobes. A background in biometrics and behavioural science might also helpful.
The conspiracy theory, which has gone global, argues Putin did not visit Ukraine this past weekend. He sent a doppelganger. I know. Bananas. But not unprecedented. Other madmen — Stalin, Hitler, Hussein, Little Rocket Man — used look-alikes.
If you are human garbage, an uncanny backup bag makes tactical sense.
But here’s what’s chilling about this conspiracy: the truth is impossible to divine.
On Monday, Anton Gerashchenko, a Ukrainian politician, tweeted three recent photos of Putin in Moscow, Sevastopol and Mariupol. He added red, isolating circles around Putin’s chin and wrote: “Which one do you think is the real one?”
This isn’t the first time Ukrainian officials have questioned the very existence of Putin, who is rumoured to have a serious illness. Last year, Ukraine’s Major General Kyrylo Budanov said Putin, who may already be dead, has at least three body doubles who were sliced and diced with cosmetic surgery to simulate the Russian president, and are on call for duties and dangers the real Putin wants to avoid.
As Budanov told the Daily Mail: “The one thing that gives them away is their height. It’s visible in videos and pictures. Also gesturing, body language and earlobes, since they are unique for every person.”
I remember thinking this was bonkers at the time. But watching footage of quote-unquote Putin in Mariupol this weekend, now I’m not so sure. Would this heartless and brutal invader with imperial delusions really just pop into a war zone with less security than Kim Kardashian? Putin was so terrified of the coronavirus, he conducted meetings from the solitary end of a boardroom table the size of an Amazon fulfilment centre. For all the rugged machismo he tries to project in photo-ops in which he’s riding a horse shirtless or putting a bear in a judo chokehold, he’s a scaredy-cat.
He is a sociopathic coward. A spider could make him shriek.
And that is precisely why this conspiracy theory is gaining traction.
Why would the real Putin decamp to a war zone when he’s spooked by Hello Kitty? It makes no sense.
Putin was driving himself around Mariupol without an armed motorcade on the weekend like he was on a midnight beef jerky run to 7-Eleven. And why did this “Putin” go mute in Ukraine? He just pointed and smiled and nodded and, generally speaking, looked like a Hollywood stunt double who was deathly afraid he might get blown up. Now that the International Criminal Court has issued an arrest warrant for Putin for alleged war crimes — it’s about time — can you imagine the stress on the fake Putins? How do you practise complimenting China’s Xi Jinping in Mandarin while rattled about the prospects of a one-way ticket to The Hague?
But even if the real Putin went to Ukraine this weekend, we should be alarmed by how easy faking it will be in the future. It’s too late for us now. Deep fakes are still in their infancy and they are already beyond the pale. It doesn’t matter if it’s a made-up, computer-generated interview between Joe Rogan and Justin Trudeau. Or a press conference in which Joe Biden professes his love for big butts.
Truth is under siege every minute of every day and it’s only getting worse.
We already have a sizable chunk of the population that rejects reality. At some point soon, a monster like Putin won’t even need a physical look-alike. He will just need an app and an algorithm to spread his diabolical propaganda. If we can already bring back dead musicians via hologram, how long until everyone on social media is inundated with manufactured footage strictly created to divide and conquer?
Russia has spent the last decade at the forefront of disinformation. You should not believe a word from the Kremlin. It is a bona fide factory of lies and deception.
But what happens when any bad actor is able to play this twisted game?
Whether Vladimir Putin did or did not visit Ukraine this weekend is beside the point.
The point is we have now strayed beyond knowing what is real.
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